A futuristic office scene featuring Elon Musk in a suit, sitting at a high-tech workstation. He stares at the screen with an intense, authoritative expression. The glowing text overlay reads: 'What did you do this week?'
Anything interesting hit your inbox this weekend?
Nothing says "competent workforce management" like a weekend email from U.S. Office of Personnel Management (OPM) demanding that 2.3 million federal employees submit bullet points of their accomplishments.
And the best part? Even the government doesn’t know what to do.
Some agencies: “Reply immediately.”
Others: “DO NOT REPLY.”
NOAA: National Oceanic & Atmospheric Administration: “Maybe reply, maybe don’t? We’ll get back to you Monday.”
It’s a choose-your-own-adventure, but every ending involves getting yelled at.
Why is this happening?
Because Elon Musk—a man who spends more time posting memes than running his companies—has apparently been put in charge of federal workforce management. His grand strategy? A mass email. And nothing says ‘productive workforce’ like an email from your new billionaire overlord.
Which is adorable because absolutely no one is reading all these emails.
🔹 That’s 11.5 million bullet points.
🔹 If printed, 700,000 filing cabinets of bureaucratic joy.
🔹 At best, this is going straight into a Microsoft Excel sheet that an intern will delete in three weeks.
But wait, it gets better.
Musk implied that failure to respond = resignation.
Which is, in legal terms...completely illegal.
OPM literally said mass email responses must be explicitly voluntary. Yet here we are, wondering if silence will get people removed from payroll.
Meanwhile, employees are being told to CC their managers. Because nothing builds trust like looping in your boss on an email you don’t understand.
So what’s the right move?
Some agencies handled this beautifully:
The Washington Post reports:
U.S. Secret Service almost had agents send: “This week, I accomplished 100% of my job. Also, I exceeded expectations.”
Meanwhile, a U.S. Geological Survey (USGS) Survey employee simply replied:"I categorically refuse."
Which, frankly, is the energy we all need.
If you’re a federal employee caught in this mess, just copy-paste this:
To: Elon Musk, OPM, and whoever is pretending to be my boss this week
Subject: RE: What did I do last week?
Hello,
Last week, I accomplished 100% of my required duties, as outlined in my position description.
✅ I supported critical government operations.
✅ I successfully maintained employment, despite this nonsense.
✅ I did not accidentally leak classified information to a billionaire.
✅ I watched in horror as my inbox became a battlefield of conflicting instructions.
✅ I exceeded expectations by not rage-quitting over this email.
Please do not hesitate to reach out if you’d like to waste more taxpayer-funded bandwidth on this charade.
Best,
A Federal Employee Who is Definitely Real and Not a Bot™
So let’s recap:
🎯 This is dumb.
🎯 The government doesn’t know what to do.
🎯 Elon Musk should not be running OPM.
🎯 And the only rational response is to mock this until it disappears.