A photograph of a rugged, slightly worn "Survival Guide" handbook sitting on a living room coffee table cluttered with snacks, a remote control, and a half-empty soda can. The title "Survival Guide" is embossed in bold, comic-style block letters on the cover, with a distressed yet humorous aesthetic. The background features a blurred TV screen showing a football game.
It’s that time again—when nacho consumption soars, brands spend millions to make us cry over a talking golden retriever, and for one night, everyone suddenly becomes an expert on “momentum shifts.”
But what if you, dear reader, couldn’t care less about National Football League (NFL) Super Bowl LIX? What if you'd rather be anywhere else but trapped in a four-hour football marathon?
Good news! My annual guide will help you fake it, escape it, or—dare we say—actually enjoy it (without suddenly developing “strong opinions” about pass interference).
Step 1: Know Just Enough to Survive
The Game: Kansas City Chiefs vs. Philadelphia Eagles. Yes, again. Just say, “This rematch really adds an extra layer of narrative intrigue.” People will nod.
The Halftime Show: Kendrick Lamar featuring SZA. Expect one spectacular performance and at least one person loudly declaring that nothing will ever top Prince in the rain.
The Commercials: The only time people shush each other to watch an ad for Doritos chips. Be on the lookout for confirmed spots from Kawasaki Motors Corp., U.S.A., Starbucks, Best Buy, Dove, GoDaddy, and of course, hims & hers.
Step 2: Your Three Foolproof Phrases
These timeless lines work every single year:
1️⃣ “I just hope it’s a good game.” (Safe, neutral, cannot fail.)
2️⃣ “That’s a bold call. Let’s see if it pays off.” (Say this during any big play, and you’ll sound like an analyst.)
3️⃣ “I’m really just here for the commercials.” (Truth.)
Step 3: Accessibility = Super Bowl MVP
Want to sound insightful and support inclusivity? Drop these into conversation:
“Glad they have ASL interpreters again this year!”
Super Bowl LIX will feature ASL performers for the anthem & halftime show. Shoutout to Matthew Maxey for making the music accessible!
“More events should have live descriptive audio.”
The game has real-time play-by-play for blind & low-vision viewers.
“Can we turn on captions?”
Accessibility helps everyone, especially during loud parties (or when your uncle won’t stop explaining the rules).
Step 4: Your Escape Plan
If the game drags on, try these classic moves:
The Kitchen Gambit: “I’ll check on the snacks.” (Never return.) Anheuser-Busch, Totino's, Häagen-Dazs Shops, Uber, Instacart, PepsiCo, and DoorDash all paid a fortune to influence you. Did it work?
The Bathroom Break of Unusual Length: No one will question 20+ mins of doomscrolling.
The Pet Excuse: “The dog looks anxious. I should sit with them.” (Even if they are sound asleep.)
Final Thoughts: Just Ride It Out
Look, the Super Bowl isn’t just a game—it’s a national event, an excuse for excessive dip consumption, and a night where even the most football-averse people must endure sports commentary.
But with these survival tips, you’ll make it through Super Bowl LIX unscathed.
Now, repeat after me:
“I just hope it’s a good game.”
